Regrets
He picked up the large black garbage bag and looked at the tape then looked at me. “I know you think this is important,” He said, “But it means nothing in the end. People spend far too much time and energy regretting things. All of that time and energy could be better spent building, creating, visioning. It’s just such a waste of time”
“There must be some part of it you want me to talk about? I said, both relieved and confused.
“Not really, I mean, unless you want to?”
“I don’t necessarily want to, but I am hoping that I can learn from them. I hang onto them to review how not to experience them again. I study them so that I don’t repeat the pattern. At least, that is the idea.”
“And how is that working?” He smiled already knowing the answer.
“Not great, I guess. Some of it makes me hate myself. Some makes me really angry with other people.” I thought a little more about it, “I guess in the end, I have either learned the lesson or I haven’t. It makes me think of the parable of the talents. I always wonder what you will think of me if I have nothing to show for myself in the end.”
“So, you think that carrying around all of these regrets is going to make me love you more?”
“I don’t know, maybe? At least it will show I had a conscience”
He laughed. “Remorse is good. Licking wounds is not. Forgiveness can only happen,” he stopped and looked me in the eye, “forgiveness of another or forgiveness of oneself, can ONLY happen when we just let it all go. I need you to hear this, you don’t have to forget, although the best evidence of being healed sometimes means you have forgotten. But this bag doesn’t serve you. It doesn’t serve my will for you. It holds you back from your life’s mission. It impedes your soul’s purpose because you spend precious energy and emotion and time on this useless bag. That’s why reconciliation is so important. That’s why it matters that you bring these things to me. But when you bring them to me, you have to really mean it, and really believe that I will take care of it. I am justice.”
He stopped for a moment as if to make sure I understood him, I did. I felt it in my very being. He was the embodiment of justice.
He continued “If you don’t these regrets will always hang around you, they will make you their home until you decide to release them.” He stopped again to give me a moment and his voice softened, “And for the record, quite literally, nothing you can do would make me love you any more or any less. That is the simple truth that you guys always miss. Even if you don’t remotely reflect my love in the world, it doesn’t change my love for you. Please understand that.”
“I’m trying. I really am.” I said half earnestly and half unconvinced.
We sat there quietly for awhile and watched to river run. I thought about the truth of what he had said. Suddenly I realized nothing in that bag would keep me from this time with him so why was I hanging onto it? Then I thought about a line in a song I’d heard, “sadness can become a habit” and I stood up, “May I?” I asked, reaching for the bag.
“Be my guest” he smiled.
I took the bag, flung it over my shoulder and with a spring in my step, went over to a (curiously) strategically placed dumpster.
“Is this environmentally friendly?” I asked.
He kind of rolled his eyes, “I got it!”
It made me laugh. His patience was beautiful.
As I walked back to our spot, I noticed a brilliant ray of sunlight focused right on him. I stopped. It was overwhelming; the warmth, the acceptance, the deep, deep love. I didn’t want to move. How is it possible I was in his presence? How?
“Okay, Dad,”
I heard him say and slowly the light eased and I was compelled to move closer again. I couldn’t speak for a moment.
“We feel very happy when we see true healing and forgiveness…”
I started to cry. It turned into a sob so intense that it overcame me. I’d never felt anything like it before and I felt myself breaking into little pieces. He came over and held me and I all but disappeared into his presence as I wept over every loss, every hurt, every betrayal, every failure, every wound real and imaginary, I wept until I fell asleep safely swaddled in his love.
“…And release.” He whispered while kissing and stroking my head.
Reflection: Are there any regrets you are holding on to? Can you imagine entrusting them to Jesus and believing he will use them for your highest purpose? Don’t be afraid to fall asleep in the arms of love if you need to.
