Holy Thursday
“When it was evening, he reclined at table with the Twelve. And while they were eating, he said, “Amen, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” Deeply distressed at this, they began to say to him, one after another, “Surely it is not I, Lord?” He said in reply, “He who has dipped his hand into the dish with me, is the one who will betray me. The Son of Man indeed goes, as it is written of him, but woe to that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed. It would be better for that man if he had never been born. Then Judas, his betrayer, said in reply, “Surely it is not I, Rabbi?” He answered, “You have said so.” Matthew 26:20-25
I don’t know, maybe I am crazy, but I read this and I feel so bad for Jesus and Judas. It seems like there is something in Judas’s response that he really doesn’t want to betray Jesus. I can almost sense the hurt and the resolve in Jesus. I can sense the confusion and consequent resignation in Judas. I really believe that Judas loved Jesus and that he was completely overwhelmed by what was before him. He had no idea because he was so used to thinking legally. But I am not convinced that Judas wanted to really hurt Jesus. So the whole thing makes me sad.Maybe on another level too. I am sure in my own ignorance I hurt Jesus more than I intend to also. Maybe I identify so much with Judas and Peter that I feel the need to explain them. It isn’t so out of the question that I could misread a situation and in trying to rectify it cause more harm than good. It isn’t out of the realm of possibility that I would speak without thinking or panic and say something I simply don’t mean. I feel that they both repented, but the difference was that Peter saw his error as stupidity and mental clumsiness, while Judas’s error was taking all of it into his own hands and using his own understanding.Then I wonder if Judas was forgiven. I don’t think we will know for sure. But I do hope so.Tonight, the lights begin to dim. Tonight we begin the chain of events that ultimately define who we are. Tonight we are forced to come face to face with the Judas and/or Peter in each of us. How do we betray or deny Jesus? How can we overcome those things that enslave us? We are so close to resurrection…but first we need to die to ourselves and our own will. Lord, forgive my weakness and my lack of courage.
