Forgiveness

In today’s Gospel, Peter asks Jesus how many times we need to forgive,

“7 times?”

Jesus in return answers, “Not 7 times but 77 times!”

My pastor preached a impactful homily on forgiveness and the meaning of the 77 times. As I have been catching up on bits and pieces of the news today, I have thought of parts of this homily.

So much of what is happening in the world today, and some of us may feel it in our own lives, are old hurts being asked to be recognized. As the issues of police brutality, white supremacy, gender inequality, climate change, income disparity, poverty, educational inequality, (etc. etc, etc,) rise up and demand to be acknowledged, addressed and atoned for, what seems to really be happening is hidden in the scripture of forgiving “77 times”.

Forgiveness.

That is a lot to ask if , for example, you are a victim of physical, sexual or psychological/emotional abuse or if for years your child has been drinking water laced with lead, or you’ve lost your house or savings or your loved ones life because the authorities didn’t care enough about your family to do their job right. Nonetheless there is something to it.

How can any of this really be forgiven? Honestly, I don’t know so I am going to only speak about how I am trying to change as all of these things drudge up old wounds in my own world.

To start, I try very hard not to hold grudges, I find it kind of pointless. My temper is mercurial and it can swirl and fester for several days but I get past it mostly and I don’t hold grudges. However, I do remember severe hurts, (and ones that confuse me) partly because I need to protect myself and learn from whatever happened, and partly I am sure, because there is some twisted satisfaction in knowing I had been wronged but I forgave thus letting me be the bigger person.

That idea though is laughable.

God always humbles us though, so that we can see what is real, because no matter what I tell myself, God sees the truth. This behavior adds to the pain and resentment that is already in the world, swirling around seeking a willing participant to land on. Because it isn’t true forgiveness, and negative forces know that which is why in moments of high stress, confusion and anxiety, they come to the fore. It is all Diablos so you are reminded and re-tortured, because you didn’t allow yourself to be fully re-stored.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Jason Upton and Sarah Hart which have been clarifying to me. Their music has helped bring me out of my personal swirl of emotion and reminded me of where I needed to take it. Doing the prayer work, moving through it with a desire for healing and peace, made me come through with two things: clarity and consolation.

Other people need to be forgiven because I need to be forgiven. God only knows what part I have in the 77 times, I am afraid to ask. But if I also remember that the “measure by which I measure” will be measured back to me, than it is clear, I need to always, always, always forgive. And when I do, and when I let it all go, all of the ugliness that serves no one, (but can actually harm others), I find on the other side of it…my joy.

Once I release whatever it is, I become free. I love this quote from Joy In These Bones by Sarah Hart

“When love loosed the chains from me it left a mark

But I’m rolling up my sleeves for all to see

That you can wrestle with those demons in the dark

And come out singing light above the enemy”

Joy in These Bones by Sarah Hart

So, if you are reading this and you are in a similar season, I pray for your healing and for clarity. I pray for your belief that you are never alone, I pray you let your angels minister to you and that you take Jesus at his word, after all, he went so far as to die so that we would. God loves you, no matter what, God loves you.