I was talking to my husband last night and realized that I abandon this blog after Easter every year. I am generally exhausted from the activities and affect that Lent, Holy Week and Easter have on me. Having three growing children who are active in many church things makes for one over active period. In addition, we are the Easter house, which I love! But I usually have nothing more to say. This year was a little different because I genuinely felt that I would never have anything to say again. I really felt that God was telling me to stop talking, just “STOP TALKING ANNETTE!” was all I could hear. So I did and I needed too. I had not been filling my well, I had been a bit of a barnacle on other people’s information or perspective. I know I am not alone in this, when you blog you tend to borrow ideas because blogging is so demanding. But my moment of actual despair came when I decided to google my blog (as my nephew had told me too) and found several other things named “Glimpses of God.” This is not the first time I googled it, but this is the first time that I had so many options come up. I love the title of my blog, I love that it was original to me when I started it, and that I did check it then and found nothing. But these things were out there, so what gives? Never short on melodrama, I thought, should I just abandon writing, even though I really love it?? I was so downcast! It was a little ridiculous. My rational self told my irrational self that the very law of probability would make the uniqueness of this improbable, if not impossible. But there was something deeper going on, and I would not listen. The truth was, my ego was bruised. I wanted to be original, unique…and brilliant. (The last one is a joke!) I wanted to think that I had something special to add to the conversation. In addition, I thought that was what God wanted for me too. (which when I read it, sounds stupid!) But, I really don’t have anything original outside of it coming from my own voice. So, of course, since I was focusing on my ego, and it was all about me, there really wasn’t as much room for God. Then I started listening to a Ron Rohlheiser, I think it is called “Dark Nights” while I was cleaning my room and putting away clothes, I heard, “The deeper in relationship to God you are, the farther away it feels” (Paraphrasing) ex: Mother Theresa. (and many others) CONSOLATION. (well some!) but he contends that it is a lack of imagination that draws us to those feelings. Hmm…food for thought. Prior to this, I had a moment where I decided to pack up all of my theology books (which are considerable), I was internally petulant, and pouty! I was just going to give it all away, get a job and forget about this whole writing thing! No one has to know. I will do it slowly. No one will know. As I was packing up, my husband walked in, “you got a package from Loyola”. It was the book How Big is Your God sent to me by Paul Campbell SJ who apologized for it being late (when he sent it out of the kindness of his heart!) . There are no coincidences, I believe in the presence of God in all things that are light. Paul also recommended a book “Why Stay Catholic” by Michael Leach. He has no idea the favor he has done for me. Those two books, along with Fr. Rolheiser’s video shored me up and allowed for my own resurrection and conversion. My conversion? I am getting a paying job. Who cares if any one reads what I write, I love to write. Who cares if it has been said before we are in the information age and in the end I write for myself. On the worst night of my sadness, I had a dream that St. Teresa came to me, gave me a huge bouquet of roses and took my hand. I was so excited that I woke up. I have no idea what that was about but we haven’t “visited” in years. Sounds odd. I know.So in the end, what does matter to me, is that even though I am always acting like a bratty child who isn’t getting her way, in an “I’ll show you” manner, God ALWAYS puts his hand on my shoulder and pulls me into him so I can weep my apologies and try to do better next time. I know I won’t because I am who I am. But he knows I mean no harm, and I just want to please him.